119: This Habit is Quietly Destroying Your Discipline

MK: Imagine you're at the DDS or DMV or whatever you call the place where you renew your driver's license. You know, you take a number, you sit down on one of those uncomfortable plastic chairs, and what's the first thing you do? If you're like 99% of people, your hand is already in your pocket grabbing your phone before your butt even hits the chair.

And so today's episode is about this tiny moment, the urge, the reach, and the stroll. And while learning not to obey, that urge is one of the most powerful skills you can build for your diet, for your sleep, for your training, your anxiety, your focus, all of it. Welcome to the Primal Shift Podcast.

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 So let's stay with that waiting room for a second.

You sit down. You have no idea how long you'll be there. Five minutes. 45 minutes. Who knows? There is this half second where nothing is happening. Nobody's calling your number, nobody's talking to you. It's just you. A bunch of strangers, some flickering fluorescent lights and the weird smell maybe. And right there your brain goes, grab the phone.

Not a conscious thought. It's automatic. And I want you to notice that the urge is automatic. I have it. I dunno how many times a day. But the action, how you respond to it is optional and 100% under your control. But most of us never see that gap between those two anymore. The urge and the action, the urge shows up and we are already scrolling.

So here's a little experiment I want you to try next time. Sit down, feel the urge to pull out your phone and don't do it. Just don't, don't white knuckle it. Don't make it dramatic. Just notice what happens inside your body and your mind, and you might feel restless, anxious, like, I'm wasting time. This is stupid.

Or just a low level itch, like your brain wants a hit of something, and that's the moment where the work happens. Now you might say, okay Michael, so what? I scroll Instagram in a waiting room. Big deal. Well, here is the deal. Your phone is basically a slot machine in your pocket, and every time you check it, maybe there is a notification, a message, a like a new email.

You brain gets a tiny dopamine hit, and over time your nervous system learns a very clear rule. Boredom of discomfort equals grab your phone equals relief. Once that rule is installed, your ability to tolerate boredom, silence, and discomfort goes down way down. It's like a muscle. If you never train it, it gets weak.

And impulse control is not a personality trait. It's a skill. It, you either train it or you atrophy. And that skill doesn't stay in the waiting room. It spills over into everything else you do. If you can't wait or sit for 10 minutes without stimulation, what are the chances? You'll sit with a craving without acting on it?

Evening, restlessness, without binge watching shows. Morning fatigue without skipping a workout. This is why that small moment matters. It's not about being good with your phone, it's about who is in charge, you or your impulses, and it better be you. So let's walk through what you might experience. If you actually do this DDS experiment, you sit, you feel the urge, you resist it.

Your brain starts throwing thoughts at you like, you should be productive. You're missing messages. This is boring. Just check it once. It's not a big deal. I, I'm sure you've had that. I mean, you know, as I said, I have this urge several times a day and once you start paying attention to it, it's shocking how often you feel it.

You might even feel, you know, your chest tighten a bit, your legs might start bouncing. You might feel almost. Unsafe because for your nervous system, this boredom, this urge is almost like a threat that needs to be addressed, either running or fighting. And in, in our case, with the phone, it's getting that instant relief that dopamine hit.

But the point is, discomfort does not equal danger. You are not in danger. There is nothing you need to do. You need, don't need to run. You don't need to fight. You don't need to scroll. Your nervous system just reacts like something is wrong and not being distracted isn't wrong. That's perfectly fine.

You're perfectly safe. But if you stay with that feeling for a minute or two, something cool typically happens. You know, the urge rises, it peaks and then drops, and you realize, oh, I can feel this and not act on it, and that's a huge win. If you do that, you know, you can use the time to watch what other people are doing, and you might realize that every single person is on their phone.

It's shocking. I mean, every time I, I, I drive to CrossFit at the school bus stop. All the kids are on their phone. It is ridiculous. You know, you, you might just listen to your breath. Pay attention to how you feel, how you breathe, how fast you breathe. You might observe the environment, you know, maybe even let your mind wander without stuffing it full of content.

And if you really think about this, you are being mindful. This is almost like a mini meditation practice in the wild, you know, no app, no teacher, just you and your nervous system, learning how to calm down without any external stimulation. And once you recognize and see these patterns, you will see it all over your, your life.

You know, you're at the red light phone, grocery line, phone, bathroom, phone. You know, I'm just sitting here for a second phone. Wake up phone, go to bed, phone. It's everywhere. You know, any micro discomfort equals a distraction or necessitates a distraction if you don't pay attention to it. And now imagine how that rule applies beyond your phone.

You know, anytime you're stressed, you grab a snack. Anytime you feel emotional discomfort, you get alcohol or sugar, any fatigue, you skip the workout. Any awkward feeling you stroll instead, uh, to talk to your spouse or your kids. We are training ourselves ultimately to avoid any uncomfortable feeling, and that's why I like to say managing your phones, your phone impulses is the easiest entry point into managing everything else because their reps are so constant.

The stakes are relatively low. You don't need to go buy, you know, different types of food because you wanna change your diet, whatever. All you have to do is not pick up your phone when you feel the edge and you can practice this likely hundreds of times a day and practice makes perfect. And that's why it's such a great way to start with that.

Before you tackle other areas of your life. But let's connect this maybe to nutrition a little bit, uh, because this is where people usually think they have no discipline, right? You probably know the pattern. You know, you feel stressed, bored, lonely, overwhelmed. Your brain wants something sweet, crunchy, salty, comforting.

And before you've even finished a thought, you are already in the thought already on the pantry. Again, you know, I find myself doing the same thing just the other day, my wife, you know, I went to the pantry and I come out with, I don't know what it was, and Kathy, like, you feel anxious, right? And I stood there for a second and said, yes, that's exactly what it is.

And where I'm eating right now. And it's the same loop as the phone cue. Urge, automatic behavior, dopamine relief. And most people try to solve this with more information. Like, I need a better diet plan. I should track my macros. I just need more willpower. But the real diet happens in those three to five seconds after the graving hits.

That little gap is where the magic is. So here's a practical experiment you can, you can do yourself. You know, when you get a craving for chunk food, don't say no forever. Just say. I'll wait 10 minutes and in those 10 minutes feel the urge. Spell out how you're feeling. Address the feeling. Name the feeling.

Notice what story your brain tells you, and then drink some water. Go outside and breathe. Focus on your breathing. If after those 10 minutes you still want it and you choose to eat it, fine, but you trust, train that muscle of not immediately obeying the urge. It's the same muscle you used in a DDS waiting room.

Now let's switch to sleep. Another area where we kind of see the same patterns, especially in context with phones. You know, here's the standard pattern. You plan to go to bed at 10, it's nine 30 or 9 45. You are already feeling tired and you think, I'll just check my phone for a minute, and suddenly it's 1130 and you, you're deep into reels, YouTube shorts, or scrolling something completely forgettable.

Like maybe watching this video. I'm kidding. You know, watch this video. Very important. But not, maybe not before going to bed. Doing during the day. And then a lot of people say, you know, if, if they're in the pattern, a lot of people say, well, I have a sleep problem. But often it's not a sleep problem, it's an evening impulse problem.

You know, you're tired, you don't want the day to end. There is emotional stuff maybe you don't want to feel. And the bed feels like the end of the day stimulation. So your brain reaches for just one more hit. It's the same loop. Same rule, any discomfort, I need distraction. And one super simple rule that you can use to change your sleep is no phone in bed, or even better, no phone 30 to 60 minutes before bed.

Now I've been implementing this. Regarding my no phone before bed, and the, the downside sometimes is, you know, I get like a late message about maybe something, you know that's gonna happen the next day. And, and I miss it because I don't look at my phone, but I'm okay with, with that consequence by not by.

Reading emails, reading comments on social media, doing all of the things that, you know, get me the dopamine hit, but very often then lead to negative thoughts potentially if there is something that's gonna stress me out, like a stupid comment or an email of something going wrong or whatever. At work, it's not helpful before going to bed, but just cutting it out you can.

Not only free up your time to do something else like, you know, stretch, talk to your spouse, you know, read a physical book journal, just wind down, but also avoid any of that emotional issues and potential negativity that comes with doing that. And don't get me wrong, you will absolutely feel that, Paul, to grab your phone.

You know, that's just a DDS urge again in a different room. But when you resist it, you're not just being good. You're rewiring your brain to relax without stimulation, and that's a huge, that's huge for sleep quality and also for anxiety, which then goes back to sleep quality. Let's talk about training real quick and exercise, because there's another area where imports control shows up.

You know, think about those mornings when the alarm goes off and you are supposed to go work out and you, you know, feel tired, stiff, unmotivated, and there's this strong impulse, you know, skip it. Let's do it later. You know, you deserve a rest. Most people, you know, let their mood decide. I don't feel like it equals, I don't do it.

But if your identity is, I'm someone who trains, then the impulse doesn't get the final vote. Now, here is some nuance to that. If you are sleep deprived, if you went to bed late or whatever, don't cut your sleep short to go workout, that would be counterproductive. But everything else being equal, if you got a solid night's rest, if you pay, if you did already the night before what we talked about, and then you got a good night's rest and you just don't feel like working out, you know, go and do it anyway.

I'm not suggesting to ignore. How you feel and what your body's trying to tell you. But you have to be able to differentiate between, okay, I'm really run down. I worked out way too much. I'm potentially over training and that's why I'm gonna skip it. That's perfectly fine and highly advisable, versus I am just lazy, even though I can physically do it, you know?

That's the time that I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go anyway. You know? And. Relating this back to the phone. You know, in the, in the DDS, the urges, grab your phone in the morning, the urge says, stay in bed. You know, in both cases the question is, do you obey the first impulse or act from who you want to be? And the way I approach.

Days where I don't feel like working out unless there is a physical reason for it. Like I feel like I'm in over training. I had a very bad night, and I just don't wanna stress my body more. I go anyway and just scale it back to what I can do on a given day. And maybe sometimes, instead of going CrossFit, that might just mean going for a walk.

Going for a 45 minute walk, you can always do that regardless of in what shape you are in. You can always walk most of the time, or I go to CrossFit and just scale it back and do what I can. I get a good sweat and without overdoing it, without stressing my body, the more it can handle. But nine out of 10 times, you know, once I start moving, the impulse loses its power and actually feel pretty good about it.

Again, it's the same kind of muscle training, muscle memory principle. And the reason why the phone is such a perfect training ground is because it's low stakes. Nobody gets hurt if you don't check Instagram. Nobody cares. Nobody really cares. You know? And it's high repetitions. You get dozens, maybe hundreds of chances every single day to practice.

In what other area of life do you get? So many opportunities to make the right choice, but every time, you know.

Because every time you're in line, you know, and you don't grab your phone, you're training the right muscles. Every time you had a red light and you don't check the messages every time you're in bed and you don't scroll, every time you're in a waiting room and you just sit, you're sending your brain a new message.

I can feel an urge. Not obey it, and that general skills makes it an easier to say no to chunk food. Go to bed on time, show up for your workouts, stay present with your kids. Focus on work without bouncing between taps and apps. You are basically using your phone as a gym for your nervous system. So I wanna encourage you to think about a challenge that you can implement.

Right now, starting today, you know, maybe it is next time you're in a waiting room, be it a DDS, the doctor mechanic, no phone. Just sit, breathe, and notice what comes up. Next time you're at a red light, no phone. Use the time to breathe or think of one thing that you're grateful for at night, 30 to 60 minutes before bed.

Put your phone in another room. Let your nervous system wind down. Without stimulation. And if you're craving chunk food, maybe because you're extra stressed or anxious or what have you, wait 10 minutes, feel the urge, and then decide intentionally if you wanna eat that apple, that snack, what have you or not.

And if you don't feel like training, just commit to doing something for a couple of minutes. If you go to a gym or commit to taking a walk, you know you're training your impulse control and not just your muscles. Don't feel like you have to do all of those things. I mean, I'm typically someone who likes to jump in, you know, headfirst and go all in.

But pick one thing or maybe two things and try to implement them today, you know, to wrap this up, you know, we live in a world that's engineered to high check our, your our impulses, you know, especially through our phones. But you are not powerless. Every urge is a chance to practice. You are in control. Do not let the device or something else be in control of how you feel and how you act.

And think about it. Don't, don't forget this part. If you are not capable of sitting in a plastic chair to DDS without grabbing your phone for 20 minutes, do you really think you can skip the chunk food? You can put your phone away at night, you can show up for training or be more present with people you love?

I don't think so. You know, impulse control isn't about being perfect. It's about proving to yourself over and over that you are the one making the decisions, not your cravings, not your boredom, and not your phone. And if this episode hits home for you, here is what I'd love you to do. You know, try one of the challenges, or maybe two, or maybe all of them if you're up for it.

And then share this episode with someone who you know scrolls the second they sit down. And if you wanna support the show, you know, like it, leave a rating, leave a review, leave a comment if you're watching this or listening to this on a platform supporting comments. And I hope I'll see you in the next episode.